The name

September 5, 2010 § Leave a comment

Ok, I chose this quote, yes it’s on GI Jane, because it drove me when I was active duty in the military, and reminded me of something I wanted very much. My freedom. To be allowed to be wild, and just simply be, and not be some automaton on orders and always expected to put everyone else first. And it always reminded me to not be sorry for myself. In telling my story, I’m sure some will sound like pity, but I wouldn’t change anything. It’s made me who I am and I don’t want to change my past to change me. I simply want to be a better person with the life I was given. So, the quote has really become a part of me. An old friend said once to me after I joined and we split way that to tame me was to tame a wildfire. And the only way to tame a fire was to put it out.

Hi!

September 5, 2010 § Leave a comment

Well, I’m here because maybe writing stories, thoughts, dreams, and life anonymously will help me, or maybe not but it gives me the freedom to express myself and vent and remain unknown. Causes less heartache and embarrassment to all parties involved. I think that may be a good thing.

So I was on my facebook today, and an old (how to say without to much brashness) friend/lover posted he is in a relationship. I’m happy for him. I really am. I’m just not happy for myself. I don’t really mind being alone, I enjoy it actually. But I miss companionship sometimes, and I don’t trust enough to allow people in my life like that very well. I also just found out another old friend of the same sort is engaged about a month ago. I am really happy for him. he swore he’d never settle down, and this is really great for him. Again, not too happy with my chosen state of being.

And now to why I really put this blog up. To vent, and tell some of my history bit by bit, and tell it in a story form, so that maybe I can heal a bit. Just maybe I can get to a place within myself that allows people in, and worthwhile people, not the trash I’ve called men recently, not the trash that claims to be there for you and then isn’t, or the trash that would treat me bad then say I am spoiled and ask too much when all I want is friendship. And that sadly, applies to family, former friends, coworkers, and several other people I have come across.

I know there are good people out there, but I can’t seem to find them and attract a crazy or cruel sort. I’m guessing it’s in something about me, but I can change if I can figure this out. I have a few very good friends, but only so very few, and I really only maintain contact with them over years and years period of time. Others are easier to brush off than dig for a shred of honest decency in them. Like I said, may be something about me, but I don’t know. So here goes. Time to follow through.

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